Six Ways to Help Children with Their Feelings.

​At a time when anxiety and depression are rampant in our youngsters, helping them to understand their feelings can go a long way to relieving these debilitating problems. 
 
Children do need to be allowed to feel their feelings and we can help our children to labeltheir feelings. However, we help them to understand where their feelings are coming from when we don’t validate them. In other words, it is OK for my child to feel angry when his best friend breaks his toy, but it’s best not to agree that the anger was because his friend broke his toy. We are never upset for the reason we think.

No, the anger comes from his interpretation of the situation, not the situation itself. That the toy was broken is a neutral fact. Any emotion linked to that event comes from an underlying belief that my child has about himself. 
 
Here are a few possibilities:

• that he can lose love (the toy may have been a representation of love in his mind or perhaps his friendship is in jeopardy)
• that he is not good enough (if he was a better friend, his friend wouldn’t have broken the toy)
• that he is not safe (if his friend can break his toy, what else is his friend capable of?)
• that he is not worthy (if he was worthy he would have friends that never break toys) 

 and many more interpretations, each of which involves some form of being worth less than others. 
 
As an adult, I learned that feelings only serve one purpose and the only reason to be upset (in a feeling other than love, joy or peace) is to alert me to the need to correct a mistaken belief about myself. I have found this to be profoundly healing on many levels and leads me to much greater happiness. It gives me a way to monitor my thoughts and helps me to maintain a state of being that is free of depression and anxiety, things that plagued me until I discovered this way of thinking. By teaching this concept to our children we can help them to grow up mentally-healthy, free of depression and anxiety.
 
How can you help your children with their feelings?

1. You can help a child to label her feelings using a feelings chart. It has been shown that simply labeling feelings can help a child feel better. There are numerous feelings charts available on line or at teachers’ supply stores for children of different ages. For the youngest children, these are pictures or photos that they can point to. Older children can learn to differentiate subtle differences in their feelings, which will be helpful in finding out where these feelings are coming from.
2. You can notice that your child is having an emotional reaction and you can help her to understand that the feeling is telling her something about herself that isn’t true. For older children, it is possible to ask them directly, “What is this feeling saying about you?” The answer may be something like “I’m not worthy of friendship”, “I’m a victim”, or “I’m a loser”. These are not true and can be challenged by asking “Is that true?” Of course, she may say that it is true, but you can reassure her that it isn’t and that it was an idea that she made up when she was younger. You could even explore memories to see if you can pinpoint where and when she made that idea up. 
3. You can model the way you use feelings in your own life if you use them to find and heal limiting beliefs – children are fascinated by their parents’ stories, so tell them about your own processes. That’s a great way to teach.  The book Choose Again Six Steps to Freedom by Diederik Wolsak www.diederik.org explains in detail how to find and fix your own limiting beliefs.
4. You can make sure that your child knows that his worth is inherent. His worth does not depend on how good his friends are nor how many toys he has. His worth just is and can never be changed. This works as the antidote to negative or limiting beliefs. You can find a list of ways to help a child realize his Inherent Worth (IW). 
5. You can reassure her that her difficult feelings will pass, that they were produced by her thought processes, and that she can elect to change her thoughts. This is more of an advanced concept, but helping children to be mindful or to meditate will speed their ability to know that they can choose not to engage with painful thoughts. 
6. You can help him to see that events are neutral (such as a broken toy) and that neutral events are simply problems to solve, which can be done creatively and effectively when the emotion has been taken out of the situation.

 
If you’d like to learn more about my approach to parenting, please explore my book: What They Don’t Teach in Prenatal Class: The Key to Raising Trouble-Free Kids and Teens and online course: The Key to Raising Trouble-Free Kids and Teens.