​I want my mom to buy me candy at the checkout counter.
I wish my grandmother didn’t have cancer.
I wanted to win the high jump but came second.
 
There’s a line that’s worth remembering “You can be right or you can be happy!”
 
You can be right that you deserve to have candy and that your mom is not being fair, or you can be happy accepting that “no” is the answer and it doesn’t mean anything other than that you are not going to get any candy at the checkout. It does not mean that your mom doesn’t love you or that you are a bad kid! Your worth is intact.

You can be right that your grandmother should live forever and not have to suffer, but this thinking will lead to struggling with your emotions. Accepting the situation as it is will lead to more peace and a greater ability to extend love to your grandmother. You can be happy knowing that you have love to give.
 
You can be right (and miserable) knowing that if only conditions had been a bit different you would have won the high jump, or you can be happy accepting that you came second. Second is a great result and you can share in the winner’s happiness. Your worth has not changed at all.
 
In all of these examples you can cast the event as a neutral fact and see that your upset is not about the event but about your thoughts about the event. By looking at your upset, being a feelings finder and a thought detective, you can identify the beliefs that are driving your upset feelings and you can correct them. Eventually you’ll be able to understand that everything that happens can be used to heal your false beliefs. That’s a major positive shift in thinking.
 
Action Step:
Notice all the times in a day something happens that you wish was different. How does that feel?
What happens when you accept those same things as they are without resistance?
Make sure to remind yourself that your worth has not changed as a result of whatever happened.

​What do I mean by that??
​As people, we compare ourselves in all kinds of ways. We think of success in terms of grades, money, fame, votes, popularity, athletic or artistic skill and all kinds of other scales. The result is that we are constantly trying to climb higher on all kinds of ladders – grades, popularity, musical, athletic, you name it – we need to be better at it! That is exhausting and it’s impossible to stay high up on any ladder all the time. We are bound to fail at something. Often.

There is a better way to think about our place in the world. That is as part of a circle. That means that no one has any greater or lesser worth than anyone else. That means that you are worth exactly the same as the person you admire the most and as the one you dislike the most! We all have exactly the same worth.
 
There is a big benefit to thinking like a circle. It means that we treat everyone with the same amount of respect (yes, we treat the custodian with the same respect that we treat the Principal at school) and we respect ourselves as much as we respect everyone else. It also means that our self-esteem stays high because it doesn’t depend on our achievements or on what anyone else thinks about us. We can always remind ourselves that we are part of the circle and as such we have worth that is infinite and never changes.
 
It is OK to be good at things and even to be better at things than someone else, but it doesn’t mean that we ARE better. It just means, for example, that you are better at geography than another student in the class. You both still have the same worth. That doesn’t change. What a relief that is!
 
If people would see that we are all part of a circle rather than stacked up on a ladder guess what would happen? Well, for one thing there would be no racism. No one could claim to be better than anyone else. There would be far less conflict. Ladders are unstable and there isn’t much room at the top. It leads to people cheating to get higher up than someone else or being mean or fighting to get ahead. That’s why there is so much conflict everywhere. In a circle, there is room for everyone and we can all be part of the solution to problems – everyone’s voice can be heard in a circle, but only those that shout the loudest can be heard on the tops of the ladders. 

So, circles and ladders are metaphors for ways of thinking can be helpful or harmful when considering our place in the world and how to stay positive about our own sense of worth. It is OK to step off the ladder and stop comparing ourselves to others. When you think like a circle there is no need to look outside yourself to find your worth, and you’ll be helping the world to become a kinder, gentler place.
 
Action Step:
Ask yourself: How does it feel when you think you have to strive to be the best at sports, or music or math to be accepted or liked?
Tell yourself that no matter how good or bad you are at something you are always part of the circle. Notice how you feel now. Any difference?

Self-Esteem
It is likely you have heard of self-esteem and you probably know when you have high self-esteem and when your self-esteem is low. Your self-esteem generally comes from evidence about yourself that you receive from others or from exam results or from the things other people say about you. So, if you have a bad score on a test, or you don’t score a goal in a soccer game, you might feel bad about yourself. If you do well in school or someone says a kind thing about you, you might get a boost for your self-esteem. Self-esteem varies depending on circumstances.
 
Here’s the thing: We are all born the same way – as innocent babies. One baby is not more or less important than another. We have exactly the same value no matter the colour of our skin or the place we are born. No matter how much money our parents have or don’t have. Disabled or able-bodied makes no difference. Sure, some babies are likely to have easier lives than others depending on their family circumstances, but their potential is the same and never changes whether they achieve anything or not.
 
Your worth (value)
Many people (actually most people) think that some people are more valuable than others, but it’s not true. Your worth just is and you don’t have to earn it.
 
Your worth does not depend on anything you do or you don’t do. It doesn’t depend on what you achieve or don’t achieve. It doesn’t depend on how sporty you are or how good at schoolwork you are. It doesn’t depend on whether or not you can carry a tune or remember a poem. It is there – an infinite amount - no matter what. AND IT IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE. Your worth is no more and no less than the most popular boy or girl in school. It is no more and no less than the smartest kid in your school.
 
So… take your self-esteem from knowing that your worth is the same as that of everyone else. Knowing that is a way to make sure that your self-esteem stays high and never changes. Don’t ever look at external evidence for your sense of self-esteem. Keep it high knowing that you are worthy no matter what. I use the term Inherent Worth to refer to that idea of having huge worth just by being.
 
Keep your head up because you have equal worth with the person you admire the most. Remember that.
 
Action Step:
Every morning, look in the mirror and remind yourself: “I am enough as I am.” Try it?