Unconditional Love: A Parent’s Guide Part Two: All You Need is Love

​In last week’s blog, I suggested that you take a quick quiz to determine where you are on the loving / fearful parenting spectrum. You may have been surprised to learn that fear plays a role in your parenting style. This week’s blog will explore the importance of learning to love unconditionally. I was able to learn so you can too!

In his book “Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness” Edward Hallowell states that “The unconditional love of one adult in a child’s life is the best inoculation against emotional distress There are, therefore, some important things at stake if we can learn to love unconditionally:

1. Your child’s mental health and happiness.
2. You’ll have a better chance of avoiding the emotional and financial cost of having a teenager with problems. 
3. Your own happiness will increase as a result of removing your barriers to love.

What is Unconditional Love?
A good definition would be: 

• Love that is given freely with no strings attached – just because.
• There is no expectation of being loved in return.
• There is no expectation of any achievement or standard of behavior.

I’d like to add:

• Love that is given in such a way that it can be received. 

and from a spiritual standpoint;

• it is the love that surrounds and flows through us at all times though we may not be aware of it
• it can be experienced when someone who knows their Inherent Worth can see the Inherent Worth of another
• It is automatic when a person is operating from a loving place rather than a fearful one. 

Is it Love or Bargaining?
What passes for love in many families is really bargaining. If you do this I’ll do that. “I’ll feed you and drive you to school if you clean your room, give me a hug at night and tell me you love me and don’t bring home any D’s”. Of course, it is ridiculous to think that this kind of bargain is arranged, agreed upon or spoken in any way, but many of our relationships rest on hidden agendas or subconscious agreements – bargains that we may not even be aware of. Any bargain places conditions on love.

Here are some typical ones:

1. I need you to establish my worth - This happened in our household and is common to many. Subconsciously I gave the message “I’m not sure of my own worth, so I need you to provide it for me by making me look good”. This is unlikely to work! And the exact opposite can happen instead! The solution for my family was for me to reclaim my inherent worth to free my children of having to provide my worth for me.
2. I don’t have enough love so I need you to provide it for me - Similar to needing a child to establish a parent’s worth, some parents need their children to provide love. Children will inevitably fail to make their parents happy all the time and will develop beliefs about themselves that they are inadequate or not good enough.
3. Love equals good grades. - It seems natural to get excited about a child’s achievements, but by doing so, parents give the message that these things make them happy. The child may then deduce that poor marks or failure, will make their parents unhappy. Children may even begin to equate love with approval, and approval with achievement – that love is conditional on good grades. Parenting expert Barbara Coloroso cautions parents to maintain a neutral affect whenever the child brings work home. Rather than getting excited or upset, simply be curious. That way parents can find out more about their child’s interests, ambitions, study habits and other aspects of that child. 
4. Unconditional obligation isn’t love - Unconditional love may also be mistaken for unconditional obligation. If I bail a teenager out of jail – is it love or obligation? If resentment is involved in any way, then it is not being done out of love. The agreement then might be, “I’ll love you as long as you don’t get into trouble and embarrass me”. It is worth it to ponder if there are any circumstances under which you would not love your child if you are totally honest!
5. Co-dependent negative beliefs - It gets even more interesting when we consider the subconscious beliefs of parents and children and how they feed each other. My own negative belief that “I’m a bad parent” demanded evidence that my daughter was happy to provide and her belief that she is “not good enough”, was fed by my reactions to her behavior. The key to opening up the channels for unconditional love, which supplied the healing we both needed, was to clear these and other negative beliefs that we both held.

In Part Three of this series I will explain how the barriers to love, that we all have, get started, and how they act as blocks to love.