Dealing with Disappointment: The Helpful Question Every Parent Needs to Know

By Anne Andrew

How can you help your teen or preteen recover from a devastating disappointment? Learn the simple question that can turn things around: “Is there another way of seeing this?”

When your child comes home from school and retreats to their room with a slam of the door, you may well suspect that:

The math test didn’t go well
They didn’t make the team,
Their best friend ditched them for someone else
or countless other possibilities.

Whatever happened, you know that for your child it feels as if the end of the world just arrived. This post will give you the tools you need to help your child recover quickly by reinterpreting the event in a positive light.
 
The Problem:
Our children (and we) see everything through the lens of the negative beliefs they have about themselves. In fact, those beliefs choose their thoughts and feelings for them – they are the default thought pathways that they replay over and over. So, when your daughter fails to make the soccer team, her thoughts immediately jump to validation of her negative beliefs and those thoughts are always painful. For example:

• I’m a loser,
• I’ll never be good enough
• I don’t belong
• I’m less worthy (than those that made the team)
• I’m a victim (of a mean soccer coach).

None of these beliefs is true, they were all made up during the formative years between 0 and 8 years old through an upsetting early childhood experience.
 
How, then, can we help our children to reinterpret their disappointments?
 
First things first:
Before you can begin to help your child in any situation, it is imperative for you to check in with your own feelings. Do you feel disappointed for your child, or upset that your child is upset? You must clear your own feelings first so that you can approach your child with a calm, neutral affect. Using the Choose Again Six Steps to Freedom is a helpful tool in this regard.
 
The solution:
Help your child to choose a different interpretation of the event.
 
The three things they need to know to feel better are:

1. Events are neutral. They say nothing about us or who we are. A fact is just a fact.
2. It is our thoughts about an event that cause us pain.
3. We are in control of our thoughts and not the other way around. There are numerous different ways to see every situation. We can elect to choose a thought that feels a whole lot better, but first we have to be aware of our power to choose.

 
There’s a question that can help them to reframe whatever disaster has befallen them - “Is there another way of seeing this?”  Very likely the answer will be “No!”, but just asking the question can open the door to curiosity and a more palatable understanding.
 
There are numerous ways of interpreting any event
Any circumstance will automatically be evaluated according to our beliefs about ourselves. These result in fearful and negative interpretations such as:

• I’m guilty.
• I’m a hopeless loser.
• Life’s not fair.

But looked at with love rather than fear, the same event--let’s take the soccer team as an example--can be reinterpreted in a positive way. For example:

• The new girl that got the place in the team will have an easier time fitting in now.
• I’ll have fun watching the team win the cup.
• I’m totally motivated now to level up my skills and make the team even stronger.
• I can help the team in other ways.
• I’ll be able to tackle my painting projects on the evenings I would have been training.​

We can override the automatic, ‘go to’ thoughts that are chosen by our negative beliefs and choose thoughts that feel a whole lot better. The choice is ours.
 
So, when your daughter recovers enough to come out of her room, you can gently ask her what she perceives the problem to be, ask “Is there another way of seeing this?” and offer some help in brainstorming a happier way of interpreting it. The biggest thing she needs to know to feel better is that she is in control of her thoughts, her thoughts don’t have to control her feelings.

How can you raise your child to be aware of their power to choose their thoughts?
Here are three ways:

1. Meditation and Mindfulness
   One important skill that we can introduce to our children as early as possible is meditation or mindfulness. When we meditate we learn to notice our thoughts passing by like cloud patterns, and to let them go rather than latching onto them. This is a hugely important and impactful skill for our children and ourselves. It can be a life-saver as children become teenagers.
   
   Mindfulness operates slightly differently by keeping our focus in what is happening in the here and now. This prevents our minds from dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
   ​
2. A Gratitude Habit
   A second way is by encouraging gratitude from a young age. Focusing on gratitude as a matter of habit is one way to switch off the downward spiral thinking and find the positives no matter what the situation. What gratitude could be offered around not making the soccer team? A few ideas:
   - I’m fit and healthy enough to try out for the team in the first place or
   - it frees up an evening to do something else, or
   - it will motivate greater development of skills for the next tryout.
   There are countless other possibilities.
   
   
3. Our Worth is Inherent
   Remind your child that it says nothing about her worth that she has not been picked. Our natural tendency is to compare ourselves to others and see how we stack up. So, not getting on the team has shaken her confidence in her value as a human. The truth is it only says the she hasn’t been picked for the team, nothing else. Taking the emotion out of events is crucial – you can let your child know that every event is neutral, and it is our emotional reactions to them that help us to understand what we think of ourselves. We are all as inherently worthy as each other and your daughter has the same worth as the best player on the team. Her value has not been called into question.
   ​

 Summary
By asking the question, “Is there another way of seeing this?”, we help our kids to know that there are numerous ways of interpreting an event. The default way that led to feelings of disappointment was chosen by a negative belief and that belief is not true. We have the power to choose a different way to see an otherwise neutral event—one that feels better.
 
Next time your son or daughter comes home with a gloomy face. After establishing what seems to be the problem, use those seven words “Is there another way of seeing this?” Then set about brainstorming with them to find a more palatable option.
 
Please let me know in the comments if you found this article helpful.​
A Few Helpful Resources:
It’s my thoughts that cause me pain
Events are Neutral
Self-Esteem and your worth  
The behavior cycle – How our beliefs drive our thoughts feelings and behaviors.