Several years ago, I asked a group of fourth grade students if they could describe what guilt feels like. They could. They described it as “gut-wrenching” and “excruciating”! What could children in fourth grade possibly have done in their lives that could justify them carrying guilt around? At that age? The problem is that one mistake can lead to a child forming a negative belief about himself that he is guilty, and that belief will stay with him for the rest of his life until it is challenged.

We all have unhealthy doses of guilt, but why? We have trouble forgiving ourselves when we do something wrong. Many of us are still serving out the life sentences we gave ourselves as children! Guilt has a way of being transmitted from parents to children. I once saw a cartoon which pictured a mother sitting in a café with her adult daughter. Her daughter says to her, “I feel I need you less, now that I can make myself feel guilty on my own!” Parenting is fraught with opportunities to feel guilty—I’m sure you would agree! We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t as parents, and in life in general, but feeling guilty is not helpful until we learn to challenge it. Guilt has to go.

Guilt is a negative belief that seeks evidence and it is strengthened each time more evidence is found. It can lead to self-loathing, which drives negative behaviors such as addiction, so it needs to be tackled early. In fact, suicide prevention and addiction prevention can begin in elementary school by tackling the guilt and other negative beliefs children pick up as they grow. 

Innocence-maintenance is a job we can help our children with, so be your child’s guilt-buster. If your child does something wrong, make sure that guilt is not an ongoing problem. 

Five Ways to Be Your Child’s Guilt-Buster

1. Never use guilt as a management tool nor remind them of how guilty they are for things they have done in the past. 
   
2. Remind children that they are not guilty when they make mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable as we grow up and we can learn from them. They don’t change the essence of who we are. Mistakes do not change our Inherent Worth one iota.
   
3. Don’t punish your children. Punishment sends the message to a child that they are bad and guilty. These may become negative beliefs that will produce further bad and guilty behavior. Rather, investigate your child’s feelings around the behavior to find out what was really going on, and then engage them in problem-solving to fix any problems that were generated by the behavior and to prevent that behavior from happening again. Safe, natural consequences of a child’s actions may be appropriate at times, if those consequences do not cause any embarrassment or diminish a child’s self-concept in any way.
   
4. Limit how much your children punish themselves by helping them to shed their guilt. This is a challenging concept for many, because, yes—you did those things or your child did those things and are guilty as charged. Whatever the outcome of guilty behavior is, it’s a neutral fact, and a problem to be solved when calm minds can tackle it. Remind them of their essential innocence and worth.
   
5. Use the Choose Again Six Steps to Freedom, or any other self-awareness program to disable your own buttons so that you can react calmly to your child’s misbehavior. Older children can be taught how to use this process to help them shed their guilt and other negative beliefs. 

The point is that the essence of who your child is has never changed, and being in touch with the reality of his Inherent Worth will ensure that there are fewer and fewer guilty incidents moving forward, when the belief “I’m guilty” is reduced or healed. This is actually a reversal of cause and effect.

What role does guilt play in your family?
If you found this article helpful, visit www.anneandrew.com to learn about my online course The Key to Raising Trouble-Free Kids and Teens.

​I want my mom to buy me candy at the checkout counter.
I wish my grandmother didn’t have cancer.
I wanted to win the high jump but came second.
 
There’s a line that’s worth remembering “You can be right or you can be happy!”
 
You can be right that you deserve to have candy and that your mom is not being fair, or you can be happy accepting that “no” is the answer and it doesn’t mean anything other than that you are not going to get any candy at the checkout. It does not mean that your mom doesn’t love you or that you are a bad kid! Your worth is intact.

You can be right that your grandmother should live forever and not have to suffer, but this thinking will lead to struggling with your emotions. Accepting the situation as it is will lead to more peace and a greater ability to extend love to your grandmother. You can be happy knowing that you have love to give.
 
You can be right (and miserable) knowing that if only conditions had been a bit different you would have won the high jump, or you can be happy accepting that you came second. Second is a great result and you can share in the winner’s happiness. Your worth has not changed at all.
 
In all of these examples you can cast the event as a neutral fact and see that your upset is not about the event but about your thoughts about the event. By looking at your upset, being a feelings finder and a thought detective, you can identify the beliefs that are driving your upset feelings and you can correct them. Eventually you’ll be able to understand that everything that happens can be used to heal your false beliefs. That’s a major positive shift in thinking.
 
Action Step:
Notice all the times in a day something happens that you wish was different. How does that feel?
What happens when you accept those same things as they are without resistance?
Make sure to remind yourself that your worth has not changed as a result of whatever happened.

​What do I mean by that??
​As people, we compare ourselves in all kinds of ways. We think of success in terms of grades, money, fame, votes, popularity, athletic or artistic skill and all kinds of other scales. The result is that we are constantly trying to climb higher on all kinds of ladders – grades, popularity, musical, athletic, you name it – we need to be better at it! That is exhausting and it’s impossible to stay high up on any ladder all the time. We are bound to fail at something. Often.

There is a better way to think about our place in the world. That is as part of a circle. That means that no one has any greater or lesser worth than anyone else. That means that you are worth exactly the same as the person you admire the most and as the one you dislike the most! We all have exactly the same worth.
 
There is a big benefit to thinking like a circle. It means that we treat everyone with the same amount of respect (yes, we treat the custodian with the same respect that we treat the Principal at school) and we respect ourselves as much as we respect everyone else. It also means that our self-esteem stays high because it doesn’t depend on our achievements or on what anyone else thinks about us. We can always remind ourselves that we are part of the circle and as such we have worth that is infinite and never changes.
 
It is OK to be good at things and even to be better at things than someone else, but it doesn’t mean that we ARE better. It just means, for example, that you are better at geography than another student in the class. You both still have the same worth. That doesn’t change. What a relief that is!
 
If people would see that we are all part of a circle rather than stacked up on a ladder guess what would happen? Well, for one thing there would be no racism. No one could claim to be better than anyone else. There would be far less conflict. Ladders are unstable and there isn’t much room at the top. It leads to people cheating to get higher up than someone else or being mean or fighting to get ahead. That’s why there is so much conflict everywhere. In a circle, there is room for everyone and we can all be part of the solution to problems – everyone’s voice can be heard in a circle, but only those that shout the loudest can be heard on the tops of the ladders. 

So, circles and ladders are metaphors for ways of thinking can be helpful or harmful when considering our place in the world and how to stay positive about our own sense of worth. It is OK to step off the ladder and stop comparing ourselves to others. When you think like a circle there is no need to look outside yourself to find your worth, and you’ll be helping the world to become a kinder, gentler place.
 
Action Step:
Ask yourself: How does it feel when you think you have to strive to be the best at sports, or music or math to be accepted or liked?
Tell yourself that no matter how good or bad you are at something you are always part of the circle. Notice how you feel now. Any difference?

Self-Esteem
It is likely you have heard of self-esteem and you probably know when you have high self-esteem and when your self-esteem is low. Your self-esteem generally comes from evidence about yourself that you receive from others or from exam results or from the things other people say about you. So, if you have a bad score on a test, or you don’t score a goal in a soccer game, you might feel bad about yourself. If you do well in school or someone says a kind thing about you, you might get a boost for your self-esteem. Self-esteem varies depending on circumstances.
 
Here’s the thing: We are all born the same way – as innocent babies. One baby is not more or less important than another. We have exactly the same value no matter the colour of our skin or the place we are born. No matter how much money our parents have or don’t have. Disabled or able-bodied makes no difference. Sure, some babies are likely to have easier lives than others depending on their family circumstances, but their potential is the same and never changes whether they achieve anything or not.
 
Your worth (value)
Many people (actually most people) think that some people are more valuable than others, but it’s not true. Your worth just is and you don’t have to earn it.
 
Your worth does not depend on anything you do or you don’t do. It doesn’t depend on what you achieve or don’t achieve. It doesn’t depend on how sporty you are or how good at schoolwork you are. It doesn’t depend on whether or not you can carry a tune or remember a poem. It is there – an infinite amount - no matter what. AND IT IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE. Your worth is no more and no less than the most popular boy or girl in school. It is no more and no less than the smartest kid in your school.
 
So… take your self-esteem from knowing that your worth is the same as that of everyone else. Knowing that is a way to make sure that your self-esteem stays high and never changes. Don’t ever look at external evidence for your sense of self-esteem. Keep it high knowing that you are worthy no matter what. I use the term Inherent Worth to refer to that idea of having huge worth just by being.
 
Keep your head up because you have equal worth with the person you admire the most. Remember that.
 
Action Step:
Every morning, look in the mirror and remind yourself: “I am enough as I am.” Try it?

​What I’d like to share with you today is that it is not your responsibility to keep anyone else happy – you simply can’t. You may have noticed that a parent or sibling is sad no matter how good or careful you are around them. You are only responsible for your own happiness and it is important not to give away your happiness to anyone or anything else. What I mean by that is that it is very typical to think “I’ll be happy when mum is happy” or “I’ll be happy if I get a good mark on my test”. That puts the source of your happiness outside you and the truth is that happiness is an inside job! The source of our happiness is within us. It is good to know. 

If we are responsible for our own happiness it means that:

• You have a right to be happy! 
• You don’t have to be miserable just because someone else is miserable. You may feel guilty for wanting to be happy when someone else is sad, but it is OK. You have permission. 
• No one can take your happiness away from you – only your thoughts can do that. 
• It is possible to be happy when everyone around you is miserable.

 
And guess what? When you are happy, others are likely to feel better as well. Everyone wants to be around a happy person – we like to associate with them because it rubs off on us. You can be that popular happy person. Our mind has the power to be happy whatever the external circumstances happen to be.
 
Sometimes just knowing that happiness is in us at all times can help us be happier. We just can’t always see that it is there.
 
Action Steps:
Find a quiet place, then close your eyes. Imagine putting all your worries into a balloon, then watch it float away until it disappears high in the sky. Now, FEEL the lightness and space inside you where happiness lives. Have a go!

​I thought I’d show you one way to think about our behavior and where it comes from and how our beliefs about ourselves drive our thoughts and feelings. So, here’s a diagram. Start at the bottom with the ‘belief’ circle. When we believe something about ourselves, such as that we are stupid, or worthless or not good enough, we start to see the world through the eyes of that belief. That means that if I think I’m stupid, I will look for evidence of that in the things that happen around me and I won’t notice all the evidence that shows how brilliant I am. It’s as if I were to tell you to count the blue cars that pass your house for ten minutes, and then after ten minutes I ask you how many green cars went by – you may not be able to tell me because you were looking for the blue cars. Our beliefs act in the same way – we only find evidence that proves that they are true, not evidence that shows they are false. And – when we find evidence, our beliefs get stronger.

That leads to the next circle ‘Thought’. When we think we see evidence for a belief, we have a thought about it. That might be “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I just did that”. Or “see I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that – there’s no point even trying.” These thoughts then give us a horrible feeling – could be a knot in the stomach and a feeling of despair, or anger, or jealousy or any number of feelings. Sometimes those feelings can result in behavior – such as yelling or hitting. Sometimes we withdraw and become depressed. Sometimes we hurt ourselves or someone else, as a way to numb the pain we feel, but it doesn’t work to do that. What does work is to recognize and challenge the belief (None of our beliefs are true – we made them up!!) That’s the work we have to do in order to change any of our unwanted behaviors. It can actually be fun figuring it out! There are countless possibilities and I challenge you to figure out one for yourself. Two made up examples:

​Here’s another:

Action Steps:
Figure out your own belief cycles by being a feelings finder and a thought detective to link your feelings, and thoughts to your beliefs. What are the behaviors that your beliefs produce?

Now that you know that events are just facts (they are neutral) and that any feelings or emotions associated with an event is coming from you (not from the event), it is time to get curious!

Close your eyes and try to remember the first time you felt this uncomfortable feeling.

• When have you felt this way before?
• How old were you?
• What was happening in this memory?
• How did you judge yourself in this memory? Did you judge yourself as bad, weak, powerless, guilty, not good enough, stupid, a victim, or worthless?
• Anything else?

 
Whatever judgement you made of yourself in that memory became a belief that you still carry around with you. Every time you feel that same feeling it is because that belief was triggered.
 
The good news is that the judgement you made and the belief about you that you have was made up by you and was never true! You can now work on challenging that belief. The truth about you is that you are exactly as you are meant to me. Nothing missing, nothing wrong with you. You have the same value as every other being on the planet. You don’t have to prove your worth – it is already set.
 
You see, you have two ‘selfs’. You have your ego ‘self’ that is made up by you. I call that part the ‘Made up Monster’. The Made-up Monster believes that she is bad, guilty, never good enough, not worthy, unlovable and many more. The Self that you truly are is the Magnificent Being (peaceful, worthy, loving). The Made-up Monster never stops telling you loudly how unworthy you are, while the Magnificent Being just whispers in a barely audible voice “you’re OK as you are, you’re worthy, you’re enough, you have everything you need, happiness is yours whenever you want it”. The trick is to tune into your inner Magnificent Being and ignore your Made-up Monster. Easier said than done, but you can do it!
 
By being a feelings finder and a thought detective you can gradually figure out what your Made-up Monster looks like and how to make it smaller. By meditating, being mindful and being grateful, you can learn about your Magnificent Being and how to tune in to that.
 
Action Steps:

1. Describe your made-up monster by following your uncomfortable feelings to early memories and seeing what it was that you made up in those memories. Tell a parent about your made-up monster – they’ll help you to understand that you made it up and it doesn’t exist anywhere except in your thoughts. 
2. Connect with your Magnificent Being by finding five things to be grateful for every day. Keep a journal to remind you of all the things there are to be grateful for. 

1) Am I calm and peaceful? Yes or No

• If Yes. Enjoy! Stay peaceful by finding 10 things to be grateful for every day.
• If No. Go to #2

2) What exactly are you feeling?
Consult a feelings chart or answer the questions below:

• Is there sadness? 
• Is there anger? 
• Is there fear? 
• Do you feel bad in a general way? 
• Do you feel disgust? 
• Do you feel happy?
• Be as specific about your feeling as you can. 
• I feel ______________________________

3) Now that you know what you are feeling, ask yourself if you have felt this way before. You are likely very familiar with this feeling. 

4) Focus on this feeling:

• Does it have a shape?
• What colour is it? 
• Does it have a texture (smooth, jagged, soupy, sticky, soft, light, heavy)? 
• Where is it located in your body?

5) Now note how big this feeling is right now, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 meaning you can barely feel it and 10 meaning the feeling is HUGE. My # _________

6) Notice that you can make any feeling bigger by thinking about the incident that triggered the feeling in the first place. 

So. If you reacted with anger when your brother did something annoying, then when you think of him doing that you will feel that anger again and you can turn up the volume on that feeling. Humans can produce feelings just by thinking of events and circumstances – as if we were actually there! The only reason to produce a feeling is to use that feeling to find out where the thought that produced that feeling is actually coming from. This requires you to be a thought detective – coming in the next lesson.

Action Step: 
Notice your feelings for a day. What are the feelings you feel most often? It may sound strange but your body actually wants to feel these feelings, even if they are unpleasant!

You can list your frequent feelings here:

​Here’s a list of some typical unpleasant feelings for you to refer to (you probably already know the good feelings):

You are never upset at a fact – you are actually upset by your thoughts about that fact.
​
So, if you think you’re upset that you have to do your homework, it is not the homework that is inherently upsetting – that’s just a fact: You have homework to do. 

What is upsetting to you is that it triggers thoughts about it such as:
Life’s hard
I’m not in control of my life
My parents are mean
My parents don’t love me unless I do my homework
I am not capable
I’m not good enough
Success is all about achievement

You chose to think those thoughts and you are in control of your thoughts and so you can choose to change them.
You can choose to change all thoughts that hurt.

Instead of saying to yourself “I have to do my homework”, I can choose to say “I get to do my homework”.  Change those words to change the way you think about your homework. Homework now becomes a privilege rather than a chore. With this slight adjustment, it is likely that your thoughts will change to:
 
My parents love me so much they want to educate me
So many kids in the world have no schools to go to – I’m one of the lucky ones
I wonder what I’ll learn next
This homework will help me to get to where I want to go
The sooner I finish my homework the sooner I can go outside

​Action Steps:
You can practice changing your thoughts by substituting the words “I have to…” to “I get to…”
Throughout the day notice how many times you think “I have to” and each time switch the thought to “I get to”. Notice how it feels!

​Tom Sawyer, in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, put this into practice when he had to paint the garden fence as a punishment.  He convinced his friends to do it for him by having them think “I get to paint the fence” rather than “I have to paint the fence”. They even paid for the privilege. Smart kid that one!

These are just facts:

• School’s out.
• I broke the window with my soccer ball.
• Mum or Dad yelled (parents do that sometimes!)

There’s nothing inherently upsetting about these facts, but we may feel good or bad about them because of our thoughts about them. The good news is that we can change our thoughts – we are in control of our thoughts. That’s pretty good to know!

Facts have no emotion attached to them in and of themselves. However, we react to facts based on our beliefs (ideas) about ourselves. It is your thoughts that cause you to feel bad. So, if mom or dad yells at you, you are likely to be upset – not by the yelling itself, but by what you think it means about you. 

It is just a fact that the person in front of you is going red in the face, looking angry and speaking at a higher volume than usual, but you are upset about this if you have a made-up idea about yourself that is being triggered. 

The following made-up ideas would likely be triggered by this scenario:
I’m not safe
​I’m bad
I’m guilty
I’m not loveable
I’m powerless

It is almost certain that you have all these beliefs and more. The reason is that you were a tiny being when you came into the world and you are looked after by big people who share these made-up ideas. It can be terrifying at times! It is important to know that these ideas are not true.

Action Steps:
List your ‘triggers’ as statements of fact. So, for example, if you were upset by something your friend said to you or the reaction of your sister, or something you did that was clumsy, just 
write: 

My sister laughed when I broke my favorite model airplane.
My friend called me stupid (or whatever it was). 
I spilled juice on the carpet.

Now look at the list and see that when these are stated as facts they no longer have the same emotional charge. 

Wanting things to be different than they are is painful. By stating facts, you now know that this thing happened. Wishing that it didn’t doesn’t help at all. 

Actually, the fact that the trigger event happened can be a really good thing because if you have an emotional reaction to any event (or fact) you’ll know that you have an idea about yourself that isn’t true. You can learn how to find and fix those mistaken ideas. Eventually you may even be able to welcome triggers! We’ll work on that another time.