​I want my mom to buy me candy at the checkout counter.
I wish my grandmother didn’t have cancer.
I wanted to win the high jump but came second.
 
There’s a line that’s worth remembering “You can be right or you can be happy!”
 
You can be right that you deserve to have candy and that your mom is not being fair, or you can be happy accepting that “no” is the answer and it doesn’t mean anything other than that you are not going to get any candy at the checkout. It does not mean that your mom doesn’t love you or that you are a bad kid! Your worth is intact.

You can be right that your grandmother should live forever and not have to suffer, but this thinking will lead to struggling with your emotions. Accepting the situation as it is will lead to more peace and a greater ability to extend love to your grandmother. You can be happy knowing that you have love to give.
 
You can be right (and miserable) knowing that if only conditions had been a bit different you would have won the high jump, or you can be happy accepting that you came second. Second is a great result and you can share in the winner’s happiness. Your worth has not changed at all.
 
In all of these examples you can cast the event as a neutral fact and see that your upset is not about the event but about your thoughts about the event. By looking at your upset, being a feelings finder and a thought detective, you can identify the beliefs that are driving your upset feelings and you can correct them. Eventually you’ll be able to understand that everything that happens can be used to heal your false beliefs. That’s a major positive shift in thinking.
 
Action Step:
Notice all the times in a day something happens that you wish was different. How does that feel?
What happens when you accept those same things as they are without resistance?
Make sure to remind yourself that your worth has not changed as a result of whatever happened.

Here’s a big idea for you:
​
Everything that anyone ever does is done in one of two ways:

1. Lovingly (being kind and helpful)
2. Calling for love (anything that isn’t loving such as someone being mean or saying hurtful things). 

It is pretty easy to recognize when someone is being kind to you, doing things for you in a happy way and you’ll feel good when that happens. If that is not happening and you feel bad about the way someone is treating you, then that person is calling for love for themselves. Their unkind actions show that they don’t think they have enough love for themselves and definitely have none to share with you (this is subconscious and they aren’t aware it is happening).  

When you begin to see everything that people do and say as one of these two possibilities you will start to have a lot of compassion for people who are calling for love. You’ll understand that it says nothing about you that they are behaving the way they do – it simply says that they are feeling bad about themselves.
 
If it is safe to do so, the best response to a call for love (if someone is behaving in a way that shows that they are miserable) is to be kind to that person. You can do this with your thoughts or with a kind word. If it is one of your parents then you might give them a hug. If it is your brother, then you might ask him what is going on for him and would he like to talk about it? It isn’t always possible to show love to someone who is being mean and it is OK to move away and tell someone you trust about it.
 
When you offer kindness to someone who is calling for love, you’ll be amazed at the results. The bad mood they were in lifts. They may even start to cry because it was not the reaction they were expecting. They were behaving in a way in which they expected to be rejected or they expected an angry response. They were looking for those responses to prove to them that they are worthless. The truth is that everyone is equally worthy. When they were little, they made up that they are worthless and don’t deserve love, but it was never true.
 
Now you know something very important. You may find this pretty difficult to understand at first, but think about it from time to time and see how you feel about it a year from now and even longer.
 
Action step:
This may sound strange. If there is a person, perhaps a classmate, who is constantly calling for love by being mean, make sure that every time you are with that classmate you say in your mind (not out loud!!) “I love you”. That person will receive the love that you are giving and so will you. This can actually improve the situation and lessen the mean behavior. 

​What do I mean by that??
​As people, we compare ourselves in all kinds of ways. We think of success in terms of grades, money, fame, votes, popularity, athletic or artistic skill and all kinds of other scales. The result is that we are constantly trying to climb higher on all kinds of ladders – grades, popularity, musical, athletic, you name it – we need to be better at it! That is exhausting and it’s impossible to stay high up on any ladder all the time. We are bound to fail at something. Often.

There is a better way to think about our place in the world. That is as part of a circle. That means that no one has any greater or lesser worth than anyone else. That means that you are worth exactly the same as the person you admire the most and as the one you dislike the most! We all have exactly the same worth.
 
There is a big benefit to thinking like a circle. It means that we treat everyone with the same amount of respect (yes, we treat the custodian with the same respect that we treat the Principal at school) and we respect ourselves as much as we respect everyone else. It also means that our self-esteem stays high because it doesn’t depend on our achievements or on what anyone else thinks about us. We can always remind ourselves that we are part of the circle and as such we have worth that is infinite and never changes.
 
It is OK to be good at things and even to be better at things than someone else, but it doesn’t mean that we ARE better. It just means, for example, that you are better at geography than another student in the class. You both still have the same worth. That doesn’t change. What a relief that is!
 
If people would see that we are all part of a circle rather than stacked up on a ladder guess what would happen? Well, for one thing there would be no racism. No one could claim to be better than anyone else. There would be far less conflict. Ladders are unstable and there isn’t much room at the top. It leads to people cheating to get higher up than someone else or being mean or fighting to get ahead. That’s why there is so much conflict everywhere. In a circle, there is room for everyone and we can all be part of the solution to problems – everyone’s voice can be heard in a circle, but only those that shout the loudest can be heard on the tops of the ladders. 

So, circles and ladders are metaphors for ways of thinking can be helpful or harmful when considering our place in the world and how to stay positive about our own sense of worth. It is OK to step off the ladder and stop comparing ourselves to others. When you think like a circle there is no need to look outside yourself to find your worth, and you’ll be helping the world to become a kinder, gentler place.
 
Action Step:
Ask yourself: How does it feel when you think you have to strive to be the best at sports, or music or math to be accepted or liked?
Tell yourself that no matter how good or bad you are at something you are always part of the circle. Notice how you feel now. Any difference?

Self-Esteem
It is likely you have heard of self-esteem and you probably know when you have high self-esteem and when your self-esteem is low. Your self-esteem generally comes from evidence about yourself that you receive from others or from exam results or from the things other people say about you. So, if you have a bad score on a test, or you don’t score a goal in a soccer game, you might feel bad about yourself. If you do well in school or someone says a kind thing about you, you might get a boost for your self-esteem. Self-esteem varies depending on circumstances.
 
Here’s the thing: We are all born the same way – as innocent babies. One baby is not more or less important than another. We have exactly the same value no matter the colour of our skin or the place we are born. No matter how much money our parents have or don’t have. Disabled or able-bodied makes no difference. Sure, some babies are likely to have easier lives than others depending on their family circumstances, but their potential is the same and never changes whether they achieve anything or not.
 
Your worth (value)
Many people (actually most people) think that some people are more valuable than others, but it’s not true. Your worth just is and you don’t have to earn it.
 
Your worth does not depend on anything you do or you don’t do. It doesn’t depend on what you achieve or don’t achieve. It doesn’t depend on how sporty you are or how good at schoolwork you are. It doesn’t depend on whether or not you can carry a tune or remember a poem. It is there – an infinite amount - no matter what. AND IT IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE. Your worth is no more and no less than the most popular boy or girl in school. It is no more and no less than the smartest kid in your school.
 
So… take your self-esteem from knowing that your worth is the same as that of everyone else. Knowing that is a way to make sure that your self-esteem stays high and never changes. Don’t ever look at external evidence for your sense of self-esteem. Keep it high knowing that you are worthy no matter what. I use the term Inherent Worth to refer to that idea of having huge worth just by being.
 
Keep your head up because you have equal worth with the person you admire the most. Remember that.
 
Action Step:
Every morning, look in the mirror and remind yourself: “I am enough as I am.” Try it?

​What I’d like to share with you today is that it is not your responsibility to keep anyone else happy – you simply can’t. You may have noticed that a parent or sibling is sad no matter how good or careful you are around them. You are only responsible for your own happiness and it is important not to give away your happiness to anyone or anything else. What I mean by that is that it is very typical to think “I’ll be happy when mum is happy” or “I’ll be happy if I get a good mark on my test”. That puts the source of your happiness outside you and the truth is that happiness is an inside job! The source of our happiness is within us. It is good to know. 

If we are responsible for our own happiness it means that:

• You have a right to be happy! 
• You don’t have to be miserable just because someone else is miserable. You may feel guilty for wanting to be happy when someone else is sad, but it is OK. You have permission. 
• No one can take your happiness away from you – only your thoughts can do that. 
• It is possible to be happy when everyone around you is miserable.

 
And guess what? When you are happy, others are likely to feel better as well. Everyone wants to be around a happy person – we like to associate with them because it rubs off on us. You can be that popular happy person. Our mind has the power to be happy whatever the external circumstances happen to be.
 
Sometimes just knowing that happiness is in us at all times can help us be happier. We just can’t always see that it is there.
 
Action Steps:
Find a quiet place, then close your eyes. Imagine putting all your worries into a balloon, then watch it float away until it disappears high in the sky. Now, FEEL the lightness and space inside you where happiness lives. Have a go!

​I thought I’d show you one way to think about our behavior and where it comes from and how our beliefs about ourselves drive our thoughts and feelings. So, here’s a diagram. Start at the bottom with the ‘belief’ circle. When we believe something about ourselves, such as that we are stupid, or worthless or not good enough, we start to see the world through the eyes of that belief. That means that if I think I’m stupid, I will look for evidence of that in the things that happen around me and I won’t notice all the evidence that shows how brilliant I am. It’s as if I were to tell you to count the blue cars that pass your house for ten minutes, and then after ten minutes I ask you how many green cars went by – you may not be able to tell me because you were looking for the blue cars. Our beliefs act in the same way – we only find evidence that proves that they are true, not evidence that shows they are false. And – when we find evidence, our beliefs get stronger.

That leads to the next circle ‘Thought’. When we think we see evidence for a belief, we have a thought about it. That might be “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I just did that”. Or “see I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that – there’s no point even trying.” These thoughts then give us a horrible feeling – could be a knot in the stomach and a feeling of despair, or anger, or jealousy or any number of feelings. Sometimes those feelings can result in behavior – such as yelling or hitting. Sometimes we withdraw and become depressed. Sometimes we hurt ourselves or someone else, as a way to numb the pain we feel, but it doesn’t work to do that. What does work is to recognize and challenge the belief (None of our beliefs are true – we made them up!!) That’s the work we have to do in order to change any of our unwanted behaviors. It can actually be fun figuring it out! There are countless possibilities and I challenge you to figure out one for yourself. Two made up examples:

​Here’s another:

Action Steps:
Figure out your own belief cycles by being a feelings finder and a thought detective to link your feelings, and thoughts to your beliefs. What are the behaviors that your beliefs produce?

Now that you know that events are just facts (they are neutral) and that any feelings or emotions associated with an event is coming from you (not from the event), it is time to get curious!

Close your eyes and try to remember the first time you felt this uncomfortable feeling.

• When have you felt this way before?
• How old were you?
• What was happening in this memory?
• How did you judge yourself in this memory? Did you judge yourself as bad, weak, powerless, guilty, not good enough, stupid, a victim, or worthless?
• Anything else?

 
Whatever judgement you made of yourself in that memory became a belief that you still carry around with you. Every time you feel that same feeling it is because that belief was triggered.
 
The good news is that the judgement you made and the belief about you that you have was made up by you and was never true! You can now work on challenging that belief. The truth about you is that you are exactly as you are meant to me. Nothing missing, nothing wrong with you. You have the same value as every other being on the planet. You don’t have to prove your worth – it is already set.
 
You see, you have two ‘selfs’. You have your ego ‘self’ that is made up by you. I call that part the ‘Made up Monster’. The Made-up Monster believes that she is bad, guilty, never good enough, not worthy, unlovable and many more. The Self that you truly are is the Magnificent Being (peaceful, worthy, loving). The Made-up Monster never stops telling you loudly how unworthy you are, while the Magnificent Being just whispers in a barely audible voice “you’re OK as you are, you’re worthy, you’re enough, you have everything you need, happiness is yours whenever you want it”. The trick is to tune into your inner Magnificent Being and ignore your Made-up Monster. Easier said than done, but you can do it!
 
By being a feelings finder and a thought detective you can gradually figure out what your Made-up Monster looks like and how to make it smaller. By meditating, being mindful and being grateful, you can learn about your Magnificent Being and how to tune in to that.
 
Action Steps:

1. Describe your made-up monster by following your uncomfortable feelings to early memories and seeing what it was that you made up in those memories. Tell a parent about your made-up monster – they’ll help you to understand that you made it up and it doesn’t exist anywhere except in your thoughts. 
2. Connect with your Magnificent Being by finding five things to be grateful for every day. Keep a journal to remind you of all the things there are to be grateful for. 

1) Am I calm and peaceful? Yes or No

• If Yes. Enjoy! Stay peaceful by finding 10 things to be grateful for every day.
• If No. Go to #2

2) What exactly are you feeling?
Consult a feelings chart or answer the questions below:

• Is there sadness? 
• Is there anger? 
• Is there fear? 
• Do you feel bad in a general way? 
• Do you feel disgust? 
• Do you feel happy?
• Be as specific about your feeling as you can. 
• I feel ______________________________

3) Now that you know what you are feeling, ask yourself if you have felt this way before. You are likely very familiar with this feeling. 

4) Focus on this feeling:

• Does it have a shape?
• What colour is it? 
• Does it have a texture (smooth, jagged, soupy, sticky, soft, light, heavy)? 
• Where is it located in your body?

5) Now note how big this feeling is right now, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 meaning you can barely feel it and 10 meaning the feeling is HUGE. My # _________

6) Notice that you can make any feeling bigger by thinking about the incident that triggered the feeling in the first place. 

So. If you reacted with anger when your brother did something annoying, then when you think of him doing that you will feel that anger again and you can turn up the volume on that feeling. Humans can produce feelings just by thinking of events and circumstances – as if we were actually there! The only reason to produce a feeling is to use that feeling to find out where the thought that produced that feeling is actually coming from. This requires you to be a thought detective – coming in the next lesson.

Action Step: 
Notice your feelings for a day. What are the feelings you feel most often? It may sound strange but your body actually wants to feel these feelings, even if they are unpleasant!

You can list your frequent feelings here:

​Here’s a list of some typical unpleasant feelings for you to refer to (you probably already know the good feelings):

You are never upset at a fact – you are actually upset by your thoughts about that fact.
​
So, if you think you’re upset that you have to do your homework, it is not the homework that is inherently upsetting – that’s just a fact: You have homework to do. 

What is upsetting to you is that it triggers thoughts about it such as:
Life’s hard
I’m not in control of my life
My parents are mean
My parents don’t love me unless I do my homework
I am not capable
I’m not good enough
Success is all about achievement

You chose to think those thoughts and you are in control of your thoughts and so you can choose to change them.
You can choose to change all thoughts that hurt.

Instead of saying to yourself “I have to do my homework”, I can choose to say “I get to do my homework”.  Change those words to change the way you think about your homework. Homework now becomes a privilege rather than a chore. With this slight adjustment, it is likely that your thoughts will change to:
 
My parents love me so much they want to educate me
So many kids in the world have no schools to go to – I’m one of the lucky ones
I wonder what I’ll learn next
This homework will help me to get to where I want to go
The sooner I finish my homework the sooner I can go outside

​Action Steps:
You can practice changing your thoughts by substituting the words “I have to…” to “I get to…”
Throughout the day notice how many times you think “I have to” and each time switch the thought to “I get to”. Notice how it feels!

​Tom Sawyer, in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, put this into practice when he had to paint the garden fence as a punishment.  He convinced his friends to do it for him by having them think “I get to paint the fence” rather than “I have to paint the fence”. They even paid for the privilege. Smart kid that one!

These are just facts:

• School’s out.
• I broke the window with my soccer ball.
• Mum or Dad yelled (parents do that sometimes!)

There’s nothing inherently upsetting about these facts, but we may feel good or bad about them because of our thoughts about them. The good news is that we can change our thoughts – we are in control of our thoughts. That’s pretty good to know!

Facts have no emotion attached to them in and of themselves. However, we react to facts based on our beliefs (ideas) about ourselves. It is your thoughts that cause you to feel bad. So, if mom or dad yells at you, you are likely to be upset – not by the yelling itself, but by what you think it means about you. 

It is just a fact that the person in front of you is going red in the face, looking angry and speaking at a higher volume than usual, but you are upset about this if you have a made-up idea about yourself that is being triggered. 

The following made-up ideas would likely be triggered by this scenario:
I’m not safe
​I’m bad
I’m guilty
I’m not loveable
I’m powerless

It is almost certain that you have all these beliefs and more. The reason is that you were a tiny being when you came into the world and you are looked after by big people who share these made-up ideas. It can be terrifying at times! It is important to know that these ideas are not true.

Action Steps:
List your ‘triggers’ as statements of fact. So, for example, if you were upset by something your friend said to you or the reaction of your sister, or something you did that was clumsy, just 
write: 

My sister laughed when I broke my favorite model airplane.
My friend called me stupid (or whatever it was). 
I spilled juice on the carpet.

Now look at the list and see that when these are stated as facts they no longer have the same emotional charge. 

Wanting things to be different than they are is painful. By stating facts, you now know that this thing happened. Wishing that it didn’t doesn’t help at all. 

Actually, the fact that the trigger event happened can be a really good thing because if you have an emotional reaction to any event (or fact) you’ll know that you have an idea about yourself that isn’t true. You can learn how to find and fix those mistaken ideas. Eventually you may even be able to welcome triggers! We’ll work on that another time.